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I've been down for a little over a month now. Roughly 98% of the time. At best, after sleeping or a workout, I'll feel better for an hour or two before I'm thinking fairly extreme things again. I'm having recurring dreams of the dog I'm fostering being infested with fleas, and suffering from various skin conditions. In one, he had simply chewed his fur off. In another, he actually had a bunch of industrial clothespin looking things embedded in his back. My dad died July 2. I'm told that surely must be having some effect on me, but it seems unlikely at best.

Andy's Party

Woke up in Big Eric's bed - I seem to do that a lot lately. Big Eric and I chatted about the night before while he cleaned up the place, and then I went home to check on my seitan. I'd started a batch the night before, and was really hoping the breadmaker wouldn't have set my kitchen on fire in the 12 hours I was gone. Success! This is nice, because it means I can start making seitan in overnight batches.

I mostly laid in bed hungover all day, but Milo asked to come over and I haven't seen him in a while, so I said sure. This also made me do some light apartment cleaning. We started in the living room, and I was pretty ragingly hard. I thought about fucking him, but couldn't imagine he was ready for that, and it's really not my strong suit anyway. His kissing has gone way downhill, though. He occasionally kissed my upper or lower lip, but seems to be trying on the "open your mouth and hold still" school of kissing. That's a terrible school, and they should lose their accreditation.

I picked up Ashley, but had forgotten the Stoli I bought. She looked gorgeous, of course, and laughed when I told her about tearing up from hearing "Blessed." My phone started ringing in the car. It was Tim, I didn't answer. We had some trouble finding Andy. Hank, Jonathan, and Chris were there, as well as some conventionally attractive, but very nice, youngster. There was a sushi chef inside, who jokingly put a whole avocado on Ashley's plate when she asked if he could make something vegan, and then brought out a raw roll. I saw Mick, who heads Dirty Tony, and Charles. I chatted with an older gent named Mark, about Hawaii & Divas, and with the younger kid about careers. He's a HUGE Deloitte fan, so he's going to send me his resume, and I'm going to fwd it to Adam Studley. There were huge waits for the bathroom, because everyone was apparently doing drugs in there. If everyone's doing drugs, why hide it in the bathroom? Maybe so you don't have to share?

It was a cold night, and Andy had the fancy flame columns up, but then one of them went out. Ashley asked me to introduce her to my super gay friends, and the next person I saw was Tom. Tom is a refrigerator shaped gentleman, who once suggested I give escorting a try, with him as my manager. Ashley found this delightful. I ran into Matt McMann, there as Brian's guest, who latched on to me like a life raft. These were A gays, he didn't know anyone, and no one was being nice to him. I can take care of that! The DJ was godawful. He played 90's hiphop, followed by a current dance track, followed by some loungey jazz number. I guess they'd found him on late notice, and maybe on a street corner, as well.

Just before we left, I found myself chatting with a gent who kept glaring at me. I kept trying to make jokes and be polite, but he finally just said "I don't like you." Ugh. The party was pretty much over at that point, though there were two others we'd been invited to. Michael Leeper had literally invited us to his housewarming via text around 8:30, and the Cosmik Roadhouse Reunion party at Gabe's place. It was a little after 1am, Leeper hadn't texted, and we had trouble finding Gabe's place. When we finally did, the lights were off. I guess that party had ended, too.

I felt kind of bad; Ashley had been expecting the party at Andy's to be a rager. I got the feeling before we even got there that it was going to be a bit more posh, and when I saw 1) the attendees, and 2) that the pool was off limits, I knew it was going to end early. This is a trend I've noticed lately. By "party" people often mean "pre-party, before we go out to a club."

I dropped Ashley off and went back to my place. Listened to Tim's message, sent him a text.

Dance Central

Servers crashing and connectivity issues punctuated the day, and I guess even the help desk crashed, so we couldn't even send in notifications about things crashing. It would still have been possible for me to get my work done, but that kind of repetitive, halting forward motions is honestly just not worth it.

Ashley was taking the night off. Her mom really wanted her to go to Zumba the next morning. I considered taking the night off as well - it was raining out, and I'd been missing sleep all week. Big Eric texted, though and since it's been a while since I've seen him, I decided to go for it. We played Dance Central 2 (Electric Boogaloo), and I felt like Big Eric would have been just as happy to have stayed in and played that. Nope. If we're going out, we're going out. I saw Noah again - he was trying to be nice, and make some comment about how smart I was, but the only part I heard was that he doesn't want to have sex with me. Richard Britton also met us there, of course.

We went back to Big Eric's place, and Jonathan joined us as well. Big Eric had told him there were hot boys there, and Jonathan was literally going room to room hunting for them. Jonathan was upset over having walked "all that way." Jonathan now lives in the apartment across from me, approximately 3/4 of a block from Big Eric. -.-

Moving On Now; Moving Fast.

Maybe not that fast. But definitely moving. I still think about Tim constantly, and it is still sometimes in that very dangerous, addict mindset. But it's more often with a sort of muted, fading fondness - a good dream about eating giant marshmallows, but then you wake up and have no pillow. Every time I meet someone new, or make strides in my life, I think how I couldn't do that if I had a partner. Of course, it's that same thought process that makes me think it would be safe to text him, to have just one drink. I wonder if I'd have been like this with Ken, had our relationship not ended with such vitriol.

Apparently all the work I'd been missing the day before arrived, because I barely made it out to the gym for my break. I had a really decent workout, though my elbows don't like arms days. Scooter and Norman came over at 6. Norman seemed distracted, but Scooter and I are really finding our groove. Michael Leeper came over after, to help me burn some porn to DVDs for the trip I'm taking in March. Since it would take too much time for that, he set up a home network for me, and I'll do it when I get back. We mostly talked a lot while I packed. I get the feeling he's struggling with some things, but isn't comfortable talking about them in their entirety, or maybe hasn't concluded them enough to do so. It was nice to see him, at any rate, and we're going to try to get together when I get back.

I'm terrible at packing. Um...jockstraps....toothbrush....I guess some pants....that's pretty much packing. But as I travel more, I'm learning what's vital. I hopped online briefly. Tim wasn't on, and I got hit up by a tweeker. Perfectly willing to have someone over, but not willing to do the work to get a tweeker there, I just made some quinoa and went to bed.

Feb. 5th, 2013

Woke up and rolled over to see how much time I had before my alarm went off only to see it had turned itself off sometime in the night. Thanks, phone. I started listening to Ashley's CD on the way to work, and teared up when I heard "Blessed." Then teared up more when I saw my lunch had spilled all over my bag. ;-/

Scrolling facebook, I happened to catch a post by Chase which ended with me ripping him apart. Anybody can flame someone. You really need to know your target to burn them.

Ashley's flight got in around 4:30, so I just ran home to change before meeting her at her parent's place. I've been in front of their place many times, but never been inside. I actually got a little lost looking for the entrance. I'd texted Peter earlier in the day, since I've been so worried about him, and he finally got back to me as I was waiting. His roommate died unexpectedly, so he's looking for a new place to live. He's still with his boyfriend, David, who he was heartbroken over the last time we chatted. I was going to text him further, but Ashley came to get me in the lobby at that moment. The elevator opens up directly to their place, so you need a fob to operate it. The condo is HUGE, and has gorgeous views of the city. All I could think of was how awesome it would have been to have sex in front of the windows.

We had a glass of wine, Ashley showed me a pic of the cat she rescued. Ashley, in case you forgot, is a badass. She found a partially eaten kitten on her property. One paw was horrible mangled, infected, gangrenous, the other had bone showing through. She amputated the infect paw, and cleaned up the other. She's the sweetest, most adorable 3 legged kitten in the whole wide world now.

John and Charles joined us, and the 5 of us had a delightful conversation about Meyer's-Briggs personality types, and being introverted vs extroverted. The boys hadn't eaten, and it was getting late, so we went to Mo's. I bought Ashley a drink, adn the boys got dinner. She also wanted John to do a shot with her, but it was Tuesday, not Friday. Charles got her a big shot of Patron, but they eventually called it a night. Ashley and I had a great conversation in the care before I dropped her off. I can't recall any of the details, mind you, but it was great.

Playing DJ

Packed up my sheets, some medicine, and some lunch and trundled in to work. I scanned all of 4 files all day long, which is fine. Gives me time to listen to music, and hack up my lungs. I was much better than the prior days, but would still have taken a sick day if I was able. I went to the gym on my lunch break - a short workout is better than no workout - and had a surprisingly good one. Just abs and arms, but lots of both, and the 30lb weight is getting easier to lift. More than that, though, I heard two new songs to include on Ashley's CD. One of them Youtube had been suggesting to me for a while, and I'd just never bothered to play. Funny, that.

I was supposed to get together with Dale after work, but canceled. He'd said he'd be fine cuddling on the couch, but I really didn't want to be in that close proximity to him, just in case I'm still contagious. I swung by the laundry mat on the way home. Cost me almost $5, but I got my comforters, sheets, pillowcases, towels, and sweats washed in under an hour, so I'd say that's worth it.

Todd had invited me over to watch RuPaul's Drag Race, so I stopped at TJ's and picked up a bag of the apple cinnamon twists and funyuns. They didn't get opened, but they'll still be there next time. Joining us was the "chiropractor" from Rob's parties, his partner, and a shorter, stocky, tattooed gent named Mike. Mike name dropped a bunch of porn stars, but other than that, was really quite entertaining. He also spontaneously breaks out into Birdcage quotes, and no one who spontaneously breaks out into Birdcage quotes can be all bad.

The show was ok, if edited within an inch of its life. The Untucked episode even more so. It didn't occur to me until now, but I have a history of overly-strong reactions to things. If I think something's funny, there's a good chance it's going to be the funniest thing *ever.* There were a couple times where I was the only one laughing, but many more where Todd laughed along with me.

Back at home, I put the finishing touches on Ashley's CD, fought with some of the formats, but finally burned two copies and called it a night. We don't have exactly the same taste in music, but Project Runway taught me well. In any creative endeavor, it's important to please your client, but you've got to stay true to your own vision as well.

Laid down to sleep a little after midnight. At 1, I was still tossing and turning. With Ashley coming in to town the next day, I really could not afford to miss any sleep, so I finally just took a half a dose of sleeping pills.

And Then I Stayed Sick

Obviously, staying in the night before was the right decision. I was touched that so many people had expressed concern and offered to get me anything I needed. It was a sweet thought, but ultimately unnecessary, as I get my own things. If I'm not willing to get out of bed to get it, I obviously don't need it that badly.

Surfed Facebook most of the day, keeping up with the Superbowl via posts. Mostly, though, I slept. And sweated. And slept. The towel I had laid down was sopping wet, so I grabbed another one. The first one I fumbled for was Chip's, from his Fire Island swim. It's softer than my other towels, so it doubled as a teddy bear.

And Then I Got Sick

Got up, did some household chores, including laundry, which I'd been neglecting to do. I swear, if it wasn't for socks and underwear, I'd just never wash anything. Texted around to see who wanted to come with to Elizabeth's birthday brunch at Betty's, but then almost missed it myself. Sore throat, cough, congestion, & fatigue. Matt had taken me up on going, and called me from Betty's, which got me out of bed. The brunch was a lot of fun, really. I opted against having brunch, though maybe the alcohol would have killed whatever's infected me. One of the girls there has a background in insurance, so I thought maybe Office Team could use her at the place I'm working. Elizabeth and I swapped stories about being overeducated and underemployed, and Matt would. not. stop. talking about his scatological needs.

I gave him a ride home - I think, if we were less sick, we would've fucked. Instead, I headed down to the Horton Gym and sat in the sauna for a long time. Hit the store for some things I'd forgotten the day before, but mostly for cold medicine. I slept and sweated when I got home, and after I took my dayquil, thought for sure that I was well enough to go out to Bear Night. A quick discussion with FHA made me realize that, even if I'm willing to trudge through the night, it's not really fair of me to risk the health of everyone else there.

Made soup, slept, sweated so much I had to put down a towel, and then soaked through that.

Don & Leigh

Had a playdate with Don & Leigh after work, so I put some seitan in the breadmachine, got cleaned up and headed over. I played with them once before, and it was a lot of fun. They've been very persistent about getting me to come back over, it's just been a matter of timing. Well, timing and the fact that they live at the end of a damn near maze of streets out by College, past the minotaur. Had a sudden, strong desire to hear In This Shirt on my way there, but it didn't interfere with anything.

I have better chemistry with Don, though Leigh has a better body. Neither are particularly large, but both are multiple cummers. I had a hard time getting hard, until I got to rim Don. He'd said last time that he wanted me to use a condom if I did, but changed his mind to say that I just shouldn't cum inside him. Since I wasn't planning on cumming anyway, this was no problem. We laid cuddling and fucking for a while - they want to have me over for a toy night, and also to spend the night sometime. I told them I'm not very good at that, but that I'd take a sleeping pill for them or similar. They mentioned a friend of theirs who's a sex addict, and it's starting to interfere with his work. I can't recall his real name, but his screen name is Soyjoy. His profile says he's a strict dom top, but Tim fucked him at a gangbang over the holidays, in addition to the main bottom.

Their roommate had come home while we were still in bed. Turns out it's Jeremy, who briefly dated Tim. He seems oblivious to any reason I would be uncomfortable around him, so I'm cordial. My seitan had finished 10 min ago. The breadmachine keeps it warm, but I wasn't sure how long it would be until it was dried out completely. Apparently 30 min is A-OK. :-)

Saved By A 3 Way

Woke up late, for having spent the night, around 6:30. Craig made out with me more, and fingered me some. Might have gone for more, but there's no way I'm risking that with his size. I went home, had a salad, slept more. Jeebus I sleep a lot.

I got hit up by a couple folks online, including Beruby. I'd been supposed to hook up with Beruby a long time ago, but it kept not working for one or the other, and I figured he'd decided I was a flake. Given our history, I really wanted to make it work. He kept putting it off - he'd take a while to get back to me, then he needed to travel, then he wasn't sure where I was, then his bf was showering, then he was showering. I figured they were partying, but the delay was actually good, since my body wasn't cooperating. All the timing worked perfectly, and they got there around 3:20 or so.

We had a fantastic time. They were both playful in bed, so it was a good mix of piggy and funny. It was a weird mix trying to keep everyone involved at first, and for a very brief period I was the odd man out. But then everything snapped into place. I fucked Troy and rimmed Joey, they took turns fucking me, fucked each other; everything. I even came for them at the end and wasn't depressed at all until after they left. Troy mentioned that his cumming was transcendental. Not the first time I've heard that. :-)

I can't tell you how much I needed that. Most of my hook ups these days have just been to get over Tim; going through the motions and all that, until the motions feel normal again. To have a good connection with someone(s) was coming up for air when you're at the bottom of a pool and think you're about to pass out.

The only downside was that it was a little late - almost 6. Sort of an intermediary timeframe in terms of going out. I could have texted around, but I'm pretty over that. I slept - woke up briefly to respond to a text from Britton, but didn't hear back from him after that, so went back to sleep.